Birth Story Part 3: My Twin Delivery

It has been 13 months since the birth of my twin baby boys. I started writing this final post on my birth story a few weeks after my babies were born but I haven’t been able to finish it. Part of that is because I’m a (new-ish) mom of twins, and it’s nearly impossible to find the time to blog. But the major reason why is because I have had a hard time re-living the birth experience. Just telling my story brings back a lot of the same emotions I was feeling when I was in the hospital- but I’m finally ready to get the rest of my story published so I can share it with you all.

I want to be completely honest about how I was feeling in the moment of my delivery and how I still feel even now. There were a lot of feelings of anxiety,  of being incapable and sheer terror. Now I realize that a lot of women feel disappointed about how their births turned out (especially if they didn’t go as planned) and I guess I am one of those women.

For the most part my labor went according to plan. I labored at home first, then I labored in the hospital while the doctors and nurses monitored the babies. Then I got the epidural before being moved to the OR where I always knew I would deliver my twins. I also knew that my second baby was breech and that he would need to be delivered by breech extraction. However, I truly had no idea how all of those events would make me feel as I experienced them.

Okay, enough rambling and describing how I felt- here’s what happened:

Once we arrived in the OR I was immediately transferred to the operating table. Somehow the doctors and nurses worked together to pick up the entire whaleness of me and put me on the tiny hard table that was no where close to being wide enough for a giant pregnant lady. (My doctor even made a comment that we would need to be careful not to let me fall off the side.)

Everyone around me was working fast- propping up my legs into stirrups, making sure my oxygen mask was on, they did ask me if I wanted to be covered up (but I sensed the urgency of delivering the babies ASAP so I said I didn’t care-I did kind if care but I cared more about getting my babies out safely). I never imagined giving birth completely uncovered in front of about 20 men and women I’d never seen before in my life. Oh yeah, and I was all alone because my husband was still changing into his scrubs.

Within a few minutes they were ready for me to push. At that point I heard someone say “the husband is at the door, can we let him in?” Thankfully he wasn’t too late, and they let him in so he could hold my hand. (Huge sigh of relief).

Then they basically just used the forceps and started pulling and telling me (more like everyone yelling at me) to PUSH, push, push! I tried once and realized I had no idea how to push. I felt like I couldn’t take a deep enough breath in order to push. I started coughing up phlegm (partly because I was super congested all the time during the last trimester of pregnancy) and partly because of the oxygen mask making it hard for me to swallow. We had to stop for a second so I could hawk up a loogie and spit it out into a cup someone was holding for me. Then they were like you have to PUSH right now, so I curled forward with my chin down toward my chest holding onto my legs and tried to bear down as much as I knew how. Someone was counting (insanely slow) all the way to 10, but my breath kept running out so quickly (around 5), and before I could catch my breath I could hear them saying “again, again, push, push…”  I felt so panicky that I wouldn’t be able to push out my baby in time. I knew he wasn’t doing well and I seriously felt like I was solely responsible for his little life. (Still can’t write this without crying). I was calling on the name of the Lord over and over again and desperately asking Him to help me deliver my babies safely. Even though these were such intense moments in reality it was only about 5 minutes of me pushing and the doctor pulling with forceps. I could feel a lot of pressure down there but the epidural was numbing my right side up pretty good so I didn’t feel much pain. I finally discovered that the only way I could keep myself from blowing out all my air while pushing was to yell/grunt. My husband was telling me to close my mouth and hold my breath, but I just couldn’t do it. I did about 3 big pushes while yelling and my baby A came out pretty fast (resulting in a third degree tear). I didn’t get to see him and I couldn’t hear him making any noise. I kept asking if he was okay and they told me he was  okay and that I needed to start pushing baby B out. I found out later that Baby A was limp when he first came out but after the first minute he came to and I heard him cry. Hearing his tiny voice was such a relief. I guess they didn’t want me to worry since it had another baby to deliver, but I truly regret not having the experience of having my babies put on my chest immediately after delivery (obviously he needed medical attention, so I understand why it didn’t happen, but I’m still sad about missing that experience).

The pushing for Baby B was different because the epidural wasn’t working as much on my left side. I felt the contractions (and that was a good thing) because I felt more in control while pushing. The epidural worked enough so that I didn’t feel too uncomfortable when they reached up to grab his legs and pull him down into the birth canal. I then pushed maybe a total of 5 times (yelling again because I think it worked best for me-even though I wasn’t holding my breath properly like everyone was telling me to). Three minutes later I pushed out Baby B’s hips and one shoulder at a time and finally his head. I was so thankful that I could “feel” him come out more than Baby A. I felt so much more in control of my body. This was why I was scared  of the epidural in the first place (but again I understand why I needed it and I am thankful for it ultimately).

Once the babies were safely out and I could hear them both crying I was so relieved and could only keep repeating “thank You Lord” quietly over and over again. During the delivery all I could do was call on the name of the Lord because I was so terrified and needed Him in order to get through the next second. It was only by His calming and sustaining me that I believe I was able to remain outwardly calm.

From my position on the operating table I couldn’t see the babies. I did catch a few glimpses of flailing little legs and feet though. I was told that they both were doing good and I couldn’t wait for them to be laid on my chest so I could kiss them. That didn’t happen though…

I started feeling very lightheaded and thought I was going to pass out. Then I noticed a pain in the left side of my chest that felt like something heavy was sitting on me, crushing me. I tried to tell the doctor how I was feeling, but my mouth was so dry it was hard to talk. Then I heard the doctors and nurses talking about how I had lost 2 liters of blood and they called for blood bags to be prepared in case I needed a transfusion. I then received a giant IV in my right hand (I already had the first IV placed in my other hand for the other medications and fluids I received during labor.) I also noticed a loud beeping that kept getting faster. It was my heart monitor that had gone up into the 180s plus I had really high blood pressure. I heard someone call out “she’s tachycardic, let’s hang the bags” (of blood for the transfusion) I had only ever heard phrases like this on medical TV shows which made me pretty nervous. Again, all I could do was call on the name of the Lord.

So I had a blood transfusion (2 units). All this was happening while my OB and the resident doctor she was training were stitching me up (I could feel all the pricking, tugging and pulling pretty well despite the epidural.)

I also was having my abdomen roughly massaged in order to help my uterus contract back down and stop more bleeding. Super painful by the way. I had Vitamin K shots administered into my upper arm multiple times to try and help stop the bleeding as well. I was given Cytotec pills to help my uterus contract and shrink back down- again, to stop the bleeding. The pills stayed in my extrememly dry cheeks for over an hour and weren’t dissolved as they should have been until I washed them down with water back in my labor and delivery room.

This whole experience was very scary (and incredibly uncomfortable/painful) to me, and at one point I even remember praying that I would be able to hold my babies before I died (I know, dramatic, but I truly had the fear that I might die from blood loss or a heart attack.)

My husband, on the other hand was not concerned for me (he was in medical school at the time, so he was used to seeing these types of situations). He was happily video taping the babies- and at one point he tried to give me baby B to hold, but I was shaking too uncontrollably to be able to hold him. Our first family photo was taken by a nurse. In it my husband is holding the babies and I am laying on the table with my oxygen mask on looking pale and half dead. Not something I’ll be posting on Facebook that’s for sure.

Once they got me stitched up, they wheeled me (still attached to the transfusion bags) back to my labor and delivery room.

Birth Story Part 2: In Labor and Delivery

This part of the story takes place in my Labor and Delivery room. The timing of this portion is all a blur to me, but I do know the basic order of events and I will try to piece it all together.

The first challenge was finding a hospital gown that I didn’t want to rip off of myself- because the material aggravated my Obstetric Cholestasis and made me super itchy. When I mentioned my discomfort to one of the doctors he offered me a dose do benedryl via my iv. I’m not usually one to say yes to drugs but I was desperate for relief. It was also supposed to make me drowsy- and I was hoping to be able to rest. Sadly the benedryl didn’t work as well as I had hoped and I was too uncomfortable from the contractions to be able to sleep.

Right away when I got to my room I was hooked up to the monitors for the babies and for my contractions. I wanted to take a bath so badly, but I wasn’t allowed to (can’t remember why at the moment) I think they just wanted to monitor the babies. Eventually I was allowed to take a bath for about 20 minutes in between monitoring sessions.

I rotated between soaking in the bath to the bed (when I had to be monitored) and then to the birthing ball and back to the bathroom to lean on the towel rack while someone put pressure on my lower back. I would also try to stand up and sway back and forth and make figure eights with my hips in between contractions. These things all really helped me stay on top of the pain. After about 10 hours of constantly having to get back in bed to be monitored I finally realized that if I put the birthing ball next to the bed I could ask the nurse to attach the monitors to my belly while I stayed in the ball. This was so much better than having to lay in bed during my contractions.

Something I learned from my Bradley Method class was to make sure all of my muscles were completely relaxed during a contraction. During labor we referred to this as “going limp”. If I started to tense up someone (mom, sister or husband) would remind me to “go limp” and I would hang my head down, dangle my arms at my sides and basically focus on focussing on nothing. This was the only way I could get through my contractions. It was like being in a zone. If I could get there I could make it through. A few times when I tried to make it from one if my stations to the next and I ran out of time before the contraction started- this was when I really struggled to relax and the contractions were much harder to make it through. So my tip for anyone preparing for labor is to go limp BEFORE a contraction starts.

I felt like my labor was moving along well and I kept assuming that I was further along than I actually was. I was progressing, but my cervix wasn’t dilating as quickly as I thought it would. Sometime in the afternoon the doctor gave me the option of stripping my membranes or breaking my water. I opted for the membranes, and while the doctor was doing that I felt a gush of fluid. We thought my water had broken but a few hours later found out that it was just my membranes. So we had to break my water later on. This felt like a massive gush of hot water. Not warm like I expected but almost to the point of being uncomfortably hot. And the water just kept flowing and flowing and flowing… Now I know that the smaller gushes I felt were nothing close to being my actual water breaking. Shortly after this though the nurse began to monitor the babies constantly so I had one last soak in the tub and then I was confined to the bed and birthing ball.

Almost as soon as my water broke my contractions intensified and I really struggled to stay on top of the pain. At that point I considered getting the epidural earlier than I had planned. Originally I wanted to wait till right before going into the OR for delivery so the babies wouldn’t have much time to be affected by the drugs.  Since I had already been in labor for around 30 hours and I hadn’t slept for close to 3 days I was wondering why I should wait to get the epidural. My husband tried to get me to hold off, so I waited another hour. Then I started feeling a lot of pressure so I thought the babies were getting ready to come out. Then I panicked and thought I waited too long to get the epidural. So I was placed in the waiting list for my epidural. Once I was in the list then time passed so slowly. All I could think about was getting the epidural. The anesthesiologist finally arrived and prepped me (and everyone else had to leave the room including my husband). Right before she was going to place the epidural she got an emergency call and had to rush out to a c-section. I felt bad for the other woman needing the emergency c-section (but mainly I felt bad for myself- selfish I know) but at that point I was so ready for the epidural that I wanted to scream “are you kidding me!” after the anesthesiologist as she left the room. Thankfully I refrained. The contractions were coming one right after the other. Maybe a minute between but it seemed like as soon as one diminished another wave would start. I was left alone with a nurse (who wasn’t very kind and understanding) I don’t think she said a word to me while I waited. Because of that though I was forced to focus on getting through the contractions on my own. I was able to deal with them and stay on top of the pain better than I was when I had my family members caring for me. I think I was forced to be strong- and it kind of worked for me. I still am so thankful for my mom, sister and supportive husband who labored with me the entire time.

Finally (after 20 or so additional minutes of waiting- that seemed like an eternity) the anesthesiologist returned and placed my epidural. After they had placed the catheter and set me up in my bed they administered the drugs. I was given a button to push every hour to give myself additional doses. I actually tried to give myself more meds too early and it won’t let you. Once you get the epidural you can’t get out of bed (because your legs basically stop working from the drugs). So at last I was able to rest for about an hour- and my helpers took a much needed rest as well.

For some reason the nurse kept making me turn from side to side. I remember this because each time I had to turn over my bag of urine from the catheter had to be passed over me and hung on the other side of the bed. I mainly was spending time resting on my right side which meant that the drugs were settling in my right side and my left side was no longer numb. I was annoyed that I couldn’t lay on my left side so I could numb the left side that was hurting pretty bad again. Then I found out the reason why.

Every time I had a contraction baby A’s heart rate was dropping into the low 70s and then spiking higher and continued to do this for a few hours (I think, I’m still fuzzy on all the details) the doctors think it was due to a low volume of fluid of amniotic fluid left after my water for Baby A broke which was causing the cord to be compressed. At one point his heart rate was down for over 4 min so they decided it was time to deliver. My husband, who is in medical school was actually surprised that they had let me continue to labor for so long rather than taking me in for a c-section right away. He told me that most doctors would have done that but my doctor just kept monitoring me closely. She told me afterward that she was right on the border of making the decision to do a c-section.

I still wasn’t fully dilated yet (so the resident doctor tried to open my cervix manually while I pushed. We were still in my labor and delivery room and I knew the plan was to deliver in the OR. I started to sense that there was a need to get things going faster and this was super stressful. At that point about 5 additional nurses plus my doctor rushed in. They put my oxygen mask on (I had been using the mask earlier but it was hanging around my neck during the pushing session.) They told me that I needed to get more oxygen to my baby because his heart rate was too low. I got really scared and my first thought was to have a c-section in order to get the babies out immediately so I suggested this to my doctor. I was thinking that cutting me open was sounding like a much less risky option for the babies at that point. My doctor said we didn’t need to operate so we headed to the OR to attempt a vaginal delivery anyway. My doctor was confident that with the help of forceps (that thought terrified me even more) she could help get baby A out quickly.

Someone threw a pair of scrubs at my husband and yelled “let’s go” we were already wheeling out of the room leaving my husband behind in the bathroom changing. I fought hard to fight back the tears (but now as I recall the events and write this post the tears are flowing freely).  I raised my fingers while clutching to my oxygen mask in an attempt to wave to my mom and sister who were not allowed in the OR. They looked just as scared as I felt and I knew they would be praying for me the entire time.

On the way down the hall my doctor squeezed my hand and reassured me that everything would be fine. As much as I trusted my doctor I was still more terrified than I had ever been in my life. I needed more than trust in a capable doctor, I needed God. I was praying silently and then not so silently for my babies to be delivered safely. Then I couldn’t even pray in full sentences so all I could do was keep repeating  “Oh God, Oh Lord, Oh Lord Jesus.”

The rest of the story takes place in the OR. I’ll post about Delivering Twins soon! I’m slowly typing out my story during 15 min. breast pumping sessions (the only time I can find to blog these days) which is why this has taken me so long to post! Thanks for your patience!

Birth Story Part 1: Early Stage of Labor

Today (Wednesday January 21st) I would have been 38 weeks pregnant. However, because of the events that I am about to describe (for my own records and to fill you all in on the details) I am not 2 weeks postpartum and my boys are celebrating their 2 week birthday!

At 35 weeks 5 days I had been experiencing what I thought were signs of pre- labor. I had been losing my mucus plug for about ten days and I was having menstrual-like cramps. When I went to my regular doctor’s appointment on Monday, January 5th I was surprised to find out that I was already 3 cm dilated and having regular contractions. I was in the early stage of labor. My OB was pretty sure that I’d have the babies in the next day or two.

Sunday, January 4th:

In bed with cramping and back pain.

Monday, January 5th:

10:30am

I returned home from my doctor’s appointment and took a shower (partly because I had always planned on showering in the early stage of labor so I would look good in the hospital pictures) but mainly because I was having back pain that was only relieved by the hot water. I called a few friends to let them know that I was starting the laboring process- and found someone to cook dinner for another friend who had just given birth the week before. I had signed up on a meal schedule to bring her dinner- but realized that it wasn’t going to happen.

11am

My mom and I began running/waddling around the house collecting things that we thought we needed to bring to the hospital. Up until that point my hospital bag only consisted of card games and sudoku (because I thought it was important we have things to do at the hospital while we were waiting for active labor to begin).

The contractions I was having were similar to the cramps I get during my period only they were stronger. The back pain was constant, but the cramps would get worse in the front of my abdomen and that’s when I would be aware of the contraction.

12pm

I tried to lay down and rest- I might have napped for an hour or maybe two, but I was constantly being disrupted by the cramping.

12:30pm

Called my sister to let her know I might not make it till Wednesday. She changed her flight and arrived roughly 12 hours later.

1:30am

My sister arrived and jumped right in to laboring with me. Contractions were intensifying (but some were smaller and then bigger and some were 5 min. apart, then 7 min. apart or 4 min. apart.) It was difficult to tell when contractions were beginning and ending because the back pain was constant and it interfered with my ability to differentiate between the two types of pain.

We timed the contractions all night except when I was showering. Then when I showered my mom and sister rested as much as they could.

When I was not in the shower my back pains were getting really uncomfortable and so my sister would put pressure on my lower back (just like I learned in my Bradley Method class) and that really helped relieve the pain.

In the morning we called the doctor to see what we should do since I was never having the 5-1-1 (contractions 5 min. apart lasting for 1 minute for an entire hour.) Because I was a high risk pregnancy with twins and obstetric cholestasis and my blood pressure had been high for the past week my doctor wanted me to come in.

9am

We arrived at the Women’s Assessment Center to be evaluated. I was in labor, but hadn’t dilated any more (in fact, the doctor said I was only 2 cm dilated- so apparently the measurements really depend on the doctor who is checking. Again my doctor wanted to keep me (but gave me the option of going home if I wanted to). We decided to stay because the doctor felt like things could progress quickly.

*What I didn’t realize that was once I was admitted I wasn’t allowed to eat anything- but could only have clear liquids. This was a challenge because I was not only exhausted but I was getting hungry and needed energy. My labor and delivery class mentioned this, but I didn’t realize I wouldn’t be allowed to eat the snacks I brought with me to the hospital- and I would have tried to eat more before going to the hospital if I had remembered this!

More of the story to come in Birth Story Part 2: In Labor and Delivery